The kids are asleep. But I can't get any. I couldn't fall asleep last night, and I woke up a couple of hours ago, and can't go back to sleep. I am not shocked, just frustrated.
Today I start a week long course on Grantmanship. 4US is paying for me to go so that I can learn to write grants and hopefully help to raise funds to grow 4US into a national organization. I am very excited for the opportunity. I would love to be able to help 4US in a much bigger way than I have, and I know that they skills that I learn could be very useful in many other aspects. I have hopes that it might be helpful in adoption also...if we can ever get there.
My struggle with this come in two ways though, the first the biggest. My family is, and always has been my first priority, and my purpose. It was a very tough decision to leave them for a week to take this class. Mom has them today, then Noelle is going to stay with Beth for 4 days. My heart aches thinking of her sleeping somewhere else for so long. I know that she is in very, very good hands, but I love her so much and want the to be the one to scratch her itchy back.
In addition to my struggles with leaving them to fend for themselves, I had no doubt that they would be sick or something. Sure enough, Rayana has had a fever for the last 3 days, and Noelle felt very warm to me in the night. Josiah says that he doesn't feel well, though he does not seem to have the fever yet. They only thing I hate worse than not being there for my kids, is not being there for them when they are sick. It pains me to leave them.
Second, I feel very inadequate. While I know that I am pretty intelligent, I have a very limited knowledge of business, and have been a stay at home mom for the last 10+ years. I can bake a mean loaf of bread, but can I keep up in a classroom with these people? I have always struggled with confidence, and have not been in a classroom since losing weight. Will it make a difference, or will I still feel like I don't belong. I hate that feeling, it just makes me want to run home to my kids, and to where I am comfortable.
God is definitely stretching me this week. I am moving out of my comfort zone in many ways. I am leaving my family in the care of others, letting God be sufficient for them. I am exploring areas in which I am not very knowledgeable, and may feel dumb...(which I am not very used to). And I will need to work through my weaknesses and practice loving those that I just met. I hope also that I will be articulate and compassionate with the people in this class. My greatest desire would be that I would not only learn the skills that are needed to help raise funds, but that those in this class would come to view our mission, both at 4US and as Christians, in a new way.
JOY - Jesus first, others second, yourself last....I have to keep that in mind this week. This class is for Jesus and for others, my insecurities will have to be faced head on so that God can be given the glory this week.
Time for my alarm to go off, I better get started...
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